losing

another poem about that guy who was more than just a friend.

it goes somewhat like this…

once you have swam in the sea
a lake will no longer do
everyone else was always a pond
but the ocean,
that was always you.
but what i didn’t realise,
was how difficult
swimming in the sea can be.
and how easily
i keep drowning myself.
because
for what it’s worth,
i hate being ignored,
and i cant afford
to keep doing this
to myself;
forgiving.
because i am now living
in a world of repetitive
pain.
and…
i know you are scared.
because you haven’t dared
show vulnerability or weakness.
and i know you are even
more scared to admit that.
to admit that you are scared
about being scared
about sharing something that
has emotionally teared
you apart.
you make me
feel so bad
and incredibly sad
for not being able to say things,
but not once have you told me
about something that
has ripped you into emotional pieces,
about what each piece is,
so i can attempt to help
stitch back those pieces.
you build this wall
that i am trying to break,
but that seems impossible to,
and now my hands are bleeding.
and you do a rubbish job
of cleaning them up.
because the blood still oozes,
and i keep getting covered
in these emotional bruises.
and so i am left
believing that you don’t care.
and it is incredibly
difficult to bare.
i’ve told you before,
and the more
i say it,
the less i feel like its doing anything.
but you cant simply
ignore me at school,
because it really isn’t cool,
and you’ll
soon find that i will disappear.
and you wont hear
anything from me.
because i am on the
verge of bring done.
and trust me its not fun.
but you hurt me.
and i am terrified to lose you completely.
because
nobody has ever meant this
much to me before.
as pathetic as that sounds.
and the hardest part,
is everything that reminds me,
especially poetry.
because
i know in my mind,
that poetry was always you
and i think maybe,
to you,
poetry was always me.
And i am really hoping
that despite everything,
that is how
its going to continue to be.
because
there was this guy i fell for,
this guy,
who loved poetry,
whose smile always
rubbed off on me,
and who randomly
started walking me home.
this guy who
made me feel wanted,
and talked to me
regardless of the situation
and without the
slightest hesitation
only, i don’t know
where he’s gone.
when you told me
that i wasn’t crazy
for feeling the way that i do,
what did you see in me?
what did you see
that we could be?
and did you really,
mean it?
and i know i keep asking,
but you cant keep masking emotion.
and you cant logic
your way out of it either.
and if you payed any
sort of attention
to my train poem,
then you know that
I was scared
to lose this
amazing friendship,
terrified that it would rip
into a thousand pieces,
the moment that
I shared my feelings.
But the worst part
is that i was right.
for all the wrong reasons.
By sharing my feelings
we lost everything.
and i lost my favourite
means of happiness.
so now i smile less,
i cry more,
not entire sure
of what this is anymore.
because we have lost
EVERYTHING
that we were before
and i hate thinking that its my fault.

so my questions are
do i mean anything at all to you?
and what the hell did i do,
to deserve this
perpetual,
and virulent
ignorance from you?

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